The Presidential Candidates: So it’s come to this
Published: Monday, January 9, 2012
Updated: Monday, January 9, 2012 19:01
While republican presidential nominees fall off the board like so many darts during a drunken game, we must remember that the most forgotten but efficacious option on our voting ballot: the write-in category. With enough popular support, we may yet see any of these heroic underdogs take the lead to be the next to occupy the oval office. Here's a list of candidates worthy of having their name written in on your ballot:
Campaign Slogan: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." – Ghandi.
First term goals: World peace, end world hunger, new cars for everyone.
Pros: Seriously, she is one of the most beloved media figures in recent history, and already has a following millions strong. She will ensure positive global relations by sending gift baskets to the leaders of every nation that include Clinique bath salts, Rhonda Byrnes' The Secret and new monthly items from her list of favorite things. Also, she seems to have stopped aging somewhere around forty.
Cons: In Occupy Wall Street terms, she's part of the 0.0001%; therefore, most of the nation's budget will go to her salary. The Oprah book club will become the only assigned reading for public schools.
Campaign Slogan: "Transform America and roll out the troops."
First term goals: Increase military defense funding in order to put an end to Decepticon threat once and for all, which will help ensure peace throughout the galaxy.
Pros: He would reinvigorate our anemic space program in order to defend us from an ostensibly greater threat than human terrorists. Also, he is not susceptible to the human fallacies of greed and power-lust, as he is a transforming truck/robot from space.
Cons: Did you see those Michael Bay movies? They were terrible.
Campaign Slogan: "I am the night."
First term goals: Eliminate crime, bring justice, put fear in the hearts of criminals.
Pros: Guaranteed to complete his term as he is impervious to assassination. Would probably put an end to corporate and governmental corruption by beating up dishonest legislators, officials and other elected representatives. He has access to a vast array of crime-fighting gadgets previous presidents and presidential candidates lacked.
Cons: Will probably make no public appearances once elected, and instead have his friend, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, be his spokesman.
That really stoned guy in the back of your class
Campaign Slogan: "Yeah man."
First term goals: "Well, we should, like… you know?"
Pros: Will try to legalize marijuana.
Cons: Will try to consume all of it.
In brief, I believe that all of these individuals would make prime candidates for the Republican nomination. So I urge you, rather than choosing the lesser of all the evils, write in a badass candidate that actually deserves to be pretending to run the country. Especially Optimus Prime.