Ledger

Issue date: 12/8/05 Section: Editorial

If you are going to be a holiday Scrooge, don't do it mindlessly or halfheartedly; be conscious of your actions, be royally obnoxious to get your point across, and unite together in opposition to the appalling commercialism that abounds today.

First, give all of those perky customer service persons, you know, the ones who wear so much flair that your eyesight becomes blurred trying to make sense of the tiny print and graphics, the silent treatment.

Do not respond to any of their efforts to wish you good cheer and believe me, they will try very hard to get you to talk or to crack a smile.

Remain stoic and keep in mind, these people, you will have to agree, are just too happy and
should be as miserable as the rest of us.

Second, never give other drivers a break, especially when you can tell they are lost and driving stupidly. Prevent them from merging with traffic, or better yet, cut them off.

Your actions will teach them not to get lost, or perhaps they'll decide to just stay home. And, just to unnerve the other driver, drive your Hummer as close to their bumper as possible and
make sure to have those high beam halogen lights on!

Third, use your horn every chance you get, event if they foiled your efforts to cut them off (see second point).

It doesn't matter that the other driver has your efforts to cut them off. It's still their fault!

And honk at pedestrians that get too close to the curb - they always need to exercise more
caution out on the roads.

Don't forget the bicyclists who, for some reason, think they have a right to share the road
with you.

Fourth, do you have any last minute holiday shopping to do? Make sure to take your children along, especially if they are tired, hungry (when are they not?), or sick.

Guaranteed, the shoppers you encounter will glare at you and your wild children.

This brings me to my fifth point. When you have your children with you at the local mall, stop by and get a photograph of your children taken with Santa.

Pile them onto Santa's lap and don't forget to fill their bladders ahead of time with sugary soda!

An"accident" will most likely ensue - the reaction of Santa and the other shoppers will be priceless (just as the commercial claims).

Sixth, since this is a freemarket society, haggle with that underpaid, overworked retail cashier every chance you get.

Get into the checkout line first so you can lead by example for all the other shoppers that pile up behind you.

You have every right to ask prices to be checked and double-checked. Oh, and then add some chocolate to your purchase, after your original sales transaction is completed, to feed your hungry, tired, sick children.

Seventh, engage in politically incorrect activities. Give your atheist friend a rosary or your Jewish friend a Christmas present.

Eat massive amounts of garlic before standing under the mistletoe.

And, as family and friends gather around the dinner table, bring up politics, bring up religion, hell, bring up sex (pun intended!).

There are so many other ways that a person can unite with Scrooges. Hopefully these points are a beginning.

So, all Scrooges unite! Follow these pointers and come up with your own. And don't forget the Scrooge motto; growl it out proudly - "BAH HUMBUG!"

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Campus News Editor's top 5 anti- Christmas movies to enjoy with friends and family this holiday season:

1. The Ice Harvest (in theaters)
2. Bad Santa (available on DVD)
3. National Lampoon's Chrismas Vacation (DVD)
4. The Ref (DVD)
5. Scrooged (DVD)

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