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Old man Mcreary and his contempt for bags

Satire

Staff Reporter

Published: Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Updated: Tuesday, April 3, 2012 22:04

Ironic, mini Spongebob bags worn by adults, leathery hipster-ish sling bags with buckles up the yin yang, and Gucci purses. We’ve all got our own bag. Which one are you?

Jansport

You can buy these at your local Walgreens, next to the generic red bouncy balls, parallel to the bin of $1 DVDs, adjacent to the “As Seen On TV” rack, and if you’ve reached the pharmacy, good sir, you’ve gone too far. This bag is steeped in ambiguity, as all 90’s kids started with them, but most have evolved onto more fashionable and impractical things. Could the wearer be nostalgic of a mundane era? Most likely they have more pressing matters than to participate in our narcissistic baggery.

To sum it up, they are minimalistic, relatively strong, and virtually normal in every single way. The owners of such bags are a hard bunch to classify as the bag  implies a lack of creativity, yet the focus on scholarly endeavors within the contents of the bag  imply transcendence above it all.

Military ruck sack

Usually this bag is beautifully accompanied by a John Deer pre-distressed hat. Its ties to the military are sort of implied but surprisingly not always accurate. The linking of camouflaged clothing to military service is akin to the wearing of a North Face jacket, and actually going on daily adventures, utilizing its intended survival capabilities in the wilderness.

Louis Vuitton luggy and duffle bags

Coined as the man purse when the duffel bag started making an appearance with fashionable Americans in the early 2000s, this bag obviously implies an over consciousness with appearance, and how the wearer wishes to be perceived. For a woman to wear such a thing would imply a love for high fashion, but more popularly a love for projecting themselves into a slightly boogie image tribe.

For a man to adorn such a thing would imply a love for the handmaid excellence that is French luggage. Remember no child labor goes into overpriced high fashion, as the people making them are earning well above the minimum wage. But this isn’t always true, as after you pass the layer of extravagance and transcendence of neo-traditional gender norms, you might just discover you’re the male version of Kim Kardashian.

Designer purse

These usually can only hold a few pens and notepads while the entirety of a woman’s scholarly load is carried by her male accessory. Easy perverts-- I was speaking about their significant other. Well that still sounds dirty, doesn’t it? Not much more can be said as they have sacrificed practicality for their specific look, and who can blame them? Surely not the multitude of creepers utilizing their peripherals during what started out as Intro to Feminist Literature and Film.

Mini cartoon bag

I don’t know where the hell these things came from, other than when a backward thinking youth got the idea to steal their toddler sibling’s Spiderman bag in an attempt to seem ironic, transcending what it is to appear hip in youth culture.

The intentional counter culture puts fashionistos like myself in their place, as who can poke fun at someone already doing it themselves. Spot on. Spot on.

Hipster sling bag

Leather straps and a general encompassing of the essence of a trendy and free spirited mail man straight out of Kevin Costner’s “The Postman,” the sling bag wearer is very much a counter culture, but at the same time adhering to tasteful fashion choices as these bags range from the pre-distressed Indiana Jones leather ones with practical buckles up the yin yang, to the intentionally simplistic hemp sling bag worn by the Mikaylas and Jeremiahs of the world.

The laptop bag

This bag implies a focus on their laptop as the center of their universe, as the laptop is not merely thrown in a bag, but the bag itself was made for the laptop. It’s accessories and all of the obnoxiously loud zipper pockets are all just longing to be stuffed full of extension cords, Ethernet cables, SD cards, and a hard copy of “Skyrim.”

The suitcase

Who are you kidding? Everything is online now and it just looks like you’re making a shady transaction in some 90’s action film. Unless you’ve got something really cool and ironic in there like the cure for the Bird Flu in super cool tubes like in “Jurassic Park” (you know the tubes hidden in shaving cream when the tar spitting, scream-y mini-saurs eat Newman from Seinfield?), an ironic sack lunch, or a smaller suitcase, ditch the bag for a leather shoulder bag as you look like you’re going to sell me knives in the 1950s...I didn’t buy ‘em then, and I certainly won’t be buying them now.

 

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